I BADLY NEED PROZAC

I looked at the steel-gray sky as I stood outside the stone terrace of our house, and I thought to myself, "What the hell have I been doing with my life?"

what the hell indeed?

Not for the first time I've felt seriously depressed like this. Depressed enough to damn everything to hell and flee away from all this world's lies and injustices. I'm sick of of everything. Sick of my life. And I don't even know why.

Heh, I've just lived about 1/4 of my life, and yet, here I am ranting on how I have had enough of it.

Sounds too melodramatic for my taste. What a bimbo thing to say, really.

I remember back when I was still 15, that was 5 years ago. It was during that age that I seriously thought of killing myself. I've tried various ways of how to do it, but I guess in the end, I still have this part of me that seriously wanted to live and cling to life itself. You could say I'm a coward. I'm just pretty afraid, I guess.

And I contemplated, what if I had pursued my plan back then? Would it make any difference? After all, I'm just a normal kid. The world would not stop revolving even if I die, right? It's just another face with a name. Maybe a small fraction of the world's population would grieve, 15 or more people at least. The big neon headline would read: "ANOTHER TEENAGER LOST ITS CAUSE", then on to other news. Another member of the human race just left this world for good. No big deal. Things like this are just as common as breathing. After a few days of intrigues and gossips, everything would start being normal again. And the world will resume its usual pace, its usual speed.

I guess I just can't go along with the flow.

That's just how things are.

And that's what makes me sick.

Everyone is just too pre-occupied with themselves. I guess humans are made that way. They live and live, and eventually cease to exist. Then another generation would replace them. It's a never-ending cycle. Everyone's entangled on the same spinning web of surviving.

Fuck that. I want to bring an end to that cycle.

Because I'm tired of it.

Waking up in the morning, brushing your teeth, taking a bath, going to school, chatting with friends, and going back home. The programmed activities that we do everyday. We know it's just going to be another day, same as yesterday. Yet we wake up every morning, working off our butts to survive in this world. After stashing some money on the side, and getting everything we want, what's next? Humans will never get satisfied. We never stop to reach and be on the top of everything. I guess that's because humans are lonely species. We busy ourselves with temporary happiness, like games, parties, gadgets, but at the end of the day, do we really feel happy?

Do you feel happiness knowing that you have an IPOD? A top-of-the-line mobile phone? A crazy awesome car? Look deep inside you. Why do you feel happy possessing all of these things? Is it because you have it and other people don't? Is it because you will feel important because other people will pay attention to you? It's just that, isn't it? What else is the reason?

But if you look at it altogether, the reason for all these is that we just wanted affection. We just want somebody to find us, and long for us, accept us. Pretty simple. That's why everything around us revolves around human emotions.

So how come I'm pretty depressed about my life? I have everything I need. I have family, I have friends. I guess I just wanted to leave a mark in this world. To prove that I've lived, and made a difference; not just another human who existed and left this world. I already accomplished some feat using my talent, some of these are unique even to people at my age. I can say that no one can do them except me and me alone. But I am a human. So I will not be satisfied with just that.

How will it sound if I turn my attention to WORLD DOMINATION eh?

Welcome to my mind.

P.S. No, I'm not suffering Major Depressive Disorder, nor have Manic-Depressive. What are you getting at? You're an idiot for thinking that.

~~How come I finished this article in just an hour? Contrary to my months of writing just a chapter of my story. T_T But I guess I'm pretty happy that my story reached 27,000+ words. :3